Friday, 6 September 2013

Letter To Arsene Wenger

This post appeared on a friend's blog on the 1st of August and I decided to share it here. Its quite hilarious and hope you get a good laugh after reading through. Do not forget to leave comments.

Dear Monsieur Wenger,

Matter of fact, you aren’t really dear to me so we might as well scrap that.

Monsieur Wenger,

Then again, who cares about respect?


It is August. Oh you don’t know what that means? Let me say it again. IT. IS. AUGUST

*beautiful seat mate asks me to calm down, calms down*

By my calendar, the new premiership season starts in about 16 days and I’m pretty sure you know we haven’t purchased any players. Of course you do, you’re in charge or aren’t you? I mean, who really cares about the transfer window right? Like we have a complete squad that can possibly challenge for the title the way we’ve been doing for the past eight years so why are these other fans even complaining? Can’t they see how consistent you have been? They must think it’s easy ensuring the team qualifies for the Champions league year after year. Please pay them no mind. Haha! But of course, you don’t pay for anything except it’s free so you go you.

You’re such a genius.

The other day I was on twitter watching people talk about how arsenal might be serious contenders for the title this season seeing as our other competition (Man United, Chelsea and Man City) have all recently appointed new coaches. They said the fact that you’ve been around the longest means we finally get to have our hands around a title. Clearly these people are clueless, they do not know you have no such ambition to become a champion as a result of the repercussion of such an event.  If they were students of history, they would see that coaches who win titles in England get ‘sacked’ immediately after. Remember Mourinho with Chelsea,  Mancini with city and of course Sir Alex would’ve been sacked this new season but he was smarter. They don’t know you don’t want to win a title so you can keep your job.

I salute your brilliance.

Another issue making the rounds is “Who is Arsenal going to sign?” I mean, you’ve ok’d the departure of Santos, Arshavin, Mannone, Denilson, Squillaci and somewhere in the horizon, the three musketeers; Park, Chamakh and ‘The greatest of all time’ Bendtner will soon join the list. Not forgetting Rihanna’s distant cousin Gervinho. Why you get no applause for clearing the deadweight remains a mystery. I mean, the squad is slimmer that the bridge of your nose, but still you get flak for it. Are humans not just a problem? If this was a house and spring cleaning was done, isn’t it necessary that the old and useless items be done away with? I don’t get why they are complaining.

Or wait…

Could it be because it is expected that when you throw stuff out, you bring new and better stuff to replace it? Hmmm…could it be that?

Twitter said you were trying to sign Higuain. I like the way you said nothing about that situation as no one can hold you ransom for things unsaid. They said you agreed for a fee of E25m and the club wanted about E35m. Don’t they know you wanted to use the extra  E10m you would have saved to scout homeless kids in France, bring them to England, set up accommodation and all? Man, these guys don’t know about your charity ventures. It’s sad. Higuain has gone to Napoli for E35m, of course, it doesn’t matter. He’s in Italy far from us, he couldn’t possibly hurt us. Well except he comes for the emirates cup and scores against us, but that won’t hurt much. I mean *shrug*

So now, gist is we’re gunning for Suarez; That Liverpool kid famous for racist bants and blanka like behavior. I even heard we made a record bid of E40m + 1 for him. WOW! You outdid yourself this time Arsene. But why do I feel you did this because you were pretty sure they were going to turn it down? You know “Lez put in a bids workth 40 milyon and one pouend so zat oza clobs can see zat we at ze arsenal have err…ze money to compet” You brilliant scouser you! Now the media is agog and ablaze with the possibility of that dogged player joining us.

You’re a genius.

You even got the player so moved, he’s just short of requesting a transfer.  Personally, I wouldn’t mind him joining us, but if Arsenal has taught me anything, it’s “don’t expect nothing till it’s signed” I honestly hope the Suarez thing doesn’t come back to bite us in the ass. By the way, we have Giroud , I mean 17 goals in his first season! Imagine what he can achieve if he just stops thinking the pitch is a runway, Like if he quits posing for spectator photos and just focuses on the ball, maybe just maybe.  There’s also Walcott, I’m sure by now he’s realized that he’s being paid to play football not to use the length of the pitch as practice arena for his 100m race dreams.

In midfield, we have Diaby who plays like 4 matches every season and makes sure the physios at the club work for their money the rest of the time. How brilliant Arsene, you make sure all of the club gears grind as they should. We don’t have a Defensive midfielder but why buy when Arteta does the job. He’s getting old but I mean, that means experience right? Good. Let’s not even talk about our lack of defensive options. Who needs a defense if we are attacking?

Gosh! Your smartness is too much for me, I’m not worthy.

I believe you Arsene, Our team is ready. Fuck what the haters say. This is the way Obama became president. Ok I really don’t know how that ties in but fuck that, no one knows what makes sense anymore. So yeah, It’s August. We’ve bought no one…. Neither has Manchester United. Hmmm…this must be what champions are made of.


Yours fucking faithfully


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